( And is he? How long has it been, since Seishirou maligned himself with speculation over dissected love affairs? He lacks the natural instinct and the studied repetition to investigate at length. Maybe it's love. Maybe it's habit. Maybe it's simply Caelus' overwhelming, solar radiance. He shrugs and — no hard feelings. You must be special to him. After all, everyone is.
The reception room might as well be an arena, a hazy pit where the beasts of their darker thoughts circle them, lone. There is too much vast, unending space, an excess of antiseptic. Caelus surrenders to melancholy, and the words he speaks — logged now, for study later — are less important than their cadence. A tale of hurt and friendship and loss and disaster. Everyday Tokyo.
Now and then, Seishirou nods along, between drags, less to encourage or call to an end, than simply to mark — he too is alive. Somehow, on borrowed time. So Sumeragi Subaru could have this world he'd rather slip between his fingertips. All I care about is making sure that he finds happiness. )
I don't know if there is a such a thing. It seems to me, happiness is that fleeting moment before you realise now you're stuck with everything you've ever wanted.
( But that's neither here, nor — a moment, to stub his cigarette violently underfoot, charcoal smear across pristine tile — there. )
I'm afraid you've walked a very long way for a short answer. I'm not for house visits today.
[ Slowly, gently, Caelus reopens his eyes and forms another soft smile. The clinic might be a little chilly and a little too silent, but there are clear signs of life here. Here in the reception area, two people… who are still figuring out their standing in life. Alive, together, speaking about what they both believe in. What they possibly feel…
Seishirou's measured movements are comforting. The man is here, right next to him, hearing him out so patiently. Even though the man probably wasn't ready to face Subaru again, he's still willing to sit here and talk about it. Such a small thing, but it means so much. Caelus knows this is something significant, and he'll never take the moment for granted.
This, too, will become a precious new memory for him. Especially hearing such beautiful words.
"… to me, happiness is that fleeting moment before you realise now you're stuck with everything you've ever wanted." ]
Mr. Sakurazuka…
[ That's true, isn't it? Sometimes, when chasing after something, people tend to overlook what they've already had all along. Or what they might've gained as they chase said thing.
Caelus's smile brightens, then reaches over to touch the man's hand. Is this okay to do? Will he let him hold it? ]
No, I don't want to push you if that's what you truly wish to do.
[ That is, if Seishirou thinks he's not ready to speak to Subaru yet, then that's fine. After all, it doesn't have to be immediate. Subaru is alive, just like the two of them are, and another chance will come in the future. Caelus still thinks it might be better for Subaru to see Seishirou as soon as possible, but what's the point if they'll just get hurt and further strained from doing it? It's better to wait if so. At least today, Caelus managed to fill in Seishirou on what happened. ]
But don't keep him waiting too long. You need to remind him too, that he has more than he thinks he has!
( His hand, broad and callused from a sophisticated variety of modern-day arsenals and the friction of surgical utensils and the stripping of heavy-duty chemical antiseptics. His hand, a dam holding the tidal wave of this unhinged little creature and his overflowing affection and his small teeth.
His fingers curl, more for the exercise of comfort, than its instinct. People, he knows, trade physical reassurance without question, without waver. He learns in such heavy, measured increments, thumb crawling up the side of Caelus' hand to perch it.
What was he doing, earlier? There was a life before the seismic reminder of Sumeragi Subaru's flirtations with assisted suicide. A routine. A purpose. There is always a desaturated, tepid life around the violence of the thirteenth head's rapid-fire interventions.
He's slow to speak, uncomplicated. )
...does he? He has a sullen temper, and no taste in clothes or men. He can't cook. He prefers cold showers and comes with an overbearing family. He's uneducated and a consummate workaholic. He leads everyone on.
( A cold, calculate enumeration. Behind the pretty porcelain veneer of Sumeragi Subaru has always been a dysfunctional infant weapon raised in the lap of onymodo luxury. )
If not for the acceptance he gave you, would you even think twice about whether such a person lives or dies?
[ So the man allows it. Caelus feels that single thumb on his palm, and he encloses it gently with two hands of his, like a prayer. He stays like that for a while, staring down, sharing whatever warmth he can manage. He remembers seeing these exact fingers within Subaru's memories. Much larger than Subaru's… much larger than Caelus's, as well, even in this moment.
The memories flash in Caelus's mind once more. This large hand had already let Subaru go once before. To find the answers to what he truly feels for him… The trailblazer can't help but wonder, did Seishirou ever manage to find the answers? How much did he have to sacrifice to reach the answers, if so? And today, has anything changed from knowing them?
While Caelus doesn't know the side of the story coming from this man, he does know Subaru's. Unwavering and unchanged for so long, so deeply in affection, so surrounded by those fleeting sakura petals that he could only watch flutter in the winds. He tries to reach out, but is unable to do so… Caelus can't help but wonder why. These two must love each other so much, so why can't they reach each other?
It's frustrating, coming from a trialblazer who is always so quick to action. Because he doesn't want to regret not taking action at all… If there's a chance to make a decision that he won't regret, he will always take it without hesitation. So he tightens his hold on this hand, lifting it until he can press it against his chest. ]
But that's what makes him Subaru. No matter how many bad sides he may have, he also has so many good sides to him. Isn't that true for you and me as well, Mr. Sakurazuka?
[ Caelus is far from a perfect being. While he has a strong will and is brave, he has his own insecurities hidden within his heart. Seishirou must also acknowledge his own set of weaknesses, even if he doesn't show any of them.
This man must be aware that Subaru loves him, and yet he just insulted Subaru's taste in men. ]
Hehe… besides, together, we can make each other better. How about teaching him how to cook? Cooking together sounds fun, don't you think? And he's been teaching me some English and Japanese, you know. I can hardly talk about someone's lack of education…
( He understands with distinct with awing clarity, that Caelus' good side right now is an unexpectedly and tragically bold clutch of Seishirou's hand, dragged to his chest. He blinks, tugs, tips his head.
In the end, with a sudden lack of finesse — he wrenches his fingers back, gaze owlish and dark as he wriggles them to restore his bloodline's circuitry. Now, now. They can't get too ahead of themselves in this convoluted business of abrupt intimacy.
This, after all, is more Sumeragi Subaru's fare, and he's not that creature. Not a man anyone but green eyes would grieve. )
I don't appreciate this. ( The meddling. The persistence. The abrupt and sudden monopoly Caelus the trailblazer is exerting on his private life. ) The notice, yes. But not the... advocacy? The persuasion? Whatever this is. Whatever you want it to be. I don't appreciate it.
[ Tragic, indeed. Faintly, Caelus tries not to let the small loneliness show, but he did his best. There's no regretting anything. He would rather try than not at all. Because inaction means… having no chances at all. If there's at least the smallest chance to make a good change, then he will always take it. If this is how it will be, then he will have to accept it.
So, he still smiles regardless. ]
You don't have to appreciate it.
[ It's enough that it was said, and… hopefully considered, even for the smallest second. Just like how Seishirou extended his hand to him, even for… just the smallest second. Once the man starts closing himself again, Caelus knows he can't force it further than he already has. So he slowly stands up from his seat and gives one last soft smile.
I just don't want you to regret anything, if you continue to turn away.
Words left unsaid. ]
But I also… really did wish to see you again. [ To see the man with his own eyes, and witness that he is all right. ] I'll visit again soon.
[ With a polite bow of his head, Caelus then dismisses himself as he allows Seishirou the time to breathe and reflect. ]
( ...tidal, isn't he? Like waves, like spumes. Ebb and flow and the strange, dull-bruise ache of Caelus' absence. Later, he will pretend he didn't watch the boy leave, didn't sneak a glance to ascertain whether his shadow will snag on hard tile.
An elegant answer to an inelegant dismissal. The closest to an outburst Seishirou would have permitted himself, at the peak of pseudo-maturity. In his mouth, the aftertaste of stale tobacco, held too long. He wasted a cigarette, the experience, the moment. Wasted sixteen long years on Sumeragi Subaru and this syrupy, careless play.
His head bleats its aches. His fingers drum the bench's rim. Caelus, some despicable form of airy plague's herald, here and gone — disperses.
He opens his mouth to bid him to stop. Doesn't. Waits and waits and waits until the young man's silhouette is a smear, a distant trickle, a dot gone — and blinks, once more wrenched from bone-gripping inertia, when pain screams through his hand's bones, burning.
Crinkling, crackling tears and shards and shatters, where he's punched through the clinic's bench-side window. Blood, red wet, dripping down.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
The reception room might as well be an arena, a hazy pit where the beasts of their darker thoughts circle them, lone. There is too much vast, unending space, an excess of antiseptic. Caelus surrenders to melancholy, and the words he speaks — logged now, for study later — are less important than their cadence. A tale of hurt and friendship and loss and disaster. Everyday Tokyo.
Now and then, Seishirou nods along, between drags, less to encourage or call to an end, than simply to mark — he too is alive. Somehow, on borrowed time. So Sumeragi Subaru could have this world he'd rather slip between his fingertips. All I care about is making sure that he finds happiness. )
I don't know if there is a such a thing. It seems to me, happiness is that fleeting moment before you realise now you're stuck with everything you've ever wanted.
( But that's neither here, nor — a moment, to stub his cigarette violently underfoot, charcoal smear across pristine tile — there. )
I'm afraid you've walked a very long way for a short answer. I'm not for house visits today.
no subject
Seishirou's measured movements are comforting. The man is here, right next to him, hearing him out so patiently. Even though the man probably wasn't ready to face Subaru again, he's still willing to sit here and talk about it. Such a small thing, but it means so much. Caelus knows this is something significant, and he'll never take the moment for granted.
This, too, will become a precious new memory for him. Especially hearing such beautiful words.
"… to me, happiness is that fleeting moment before you realise now you're stuck with everything you've ever wanted." ]
Mr. Sakurazuka…
[ That's true, isn't it? Sometimes, when chasing after something, people tend to overlook what they've already had all along. Or what they might've gained as they chase said thing.
Caelus's smile brightens, then reaches over to touch the man's hand. Is this okay to do? Will he let him hold it? ]
No, I don't want to push you if that's what you truly wish to do.
[ That is, if Seishirou thinks he's not ready to speak to Subaru yet, then that's fine. After all, it doesn't have to be immediate. Subaru is alive, just like the two of them are, and another chance will come in the future. Caelus still thinks it might be better for Subaru to see Seishirou as soon as possible, but what's the point if they'll just get hurt and further strained from doing it? It's better to wait if so. At least today, Caelus managed to fill in Seishirou on what happened. ]
But don't keep him waiting too long. You need to remind him too, that he has more than he thinks he has!
no subject
His fingers curl, more for the exercise of comfort, than its instinct. People, he knows, trade physical reassurance without question, without waver. He learns in such heavy, measured increments, thumb crawling up the side of Caelus' hand to perch it.
What was he doing, earlier? There was a life before the seismic reminder of Sumeragi Subaru's flirtations with assisted suicide. A routine. A purpose. There is always a desaturated, tepid life around the violence of the thirteenth head's rapid-fire interventions.
He's slow to speak, uncomplicated. )
...does he? He has a sullen temper, and no taste in clothes or men. He can't cook. He prefers cold showers and comes with an overbearing family. He's uneducated and a consummate workaholic. He leads everyone on.
( A cold, calculate enumeration. Behind the pretty porcelain veneer of Sumeragi Subaru has always been a dysfunctional infant weapon raised in the lap of onymodo luxury. )
If not for the acceptance he gave you, would you even think twice about whether such a person lives or dies?
no subject
The memories flash in Caelus's mind once more. This large hand had already let Subaru go once before. To find the answers to what he truly feels for him… The trailblazer can't help but wonder, did Seishirou ever manage to find the answers? How much did he have to sacrifice to reach the answers, if so? And today, has anything changed from knowing them?
While Caelus doesn't know the side of the story coming from this man, he does know Subaru's. Unwavering and unchanged for so long, so deeply in affection, so surrounded by those fleeting sakura petals that he could only watch flutter in the winds. He tries to reach out, but is unable to do so… Caelus can't help but wonder why. These two must love each other so much, so why can't they reach each other?
It's frustrating, coming from a trialblazer who is always so quick to action. Because he doesn't want to regret not taking action at all… If there's a chance to make a decision that he won't regret, he will always take it without hesitation. So he tightens his hold on this hand, lifting it until he can press it against his chest. ]
But that's what makes him Subaru. No matter how many bad sides he may have, he also has so many good sides to him. Isn't that true for you and me as well, Mr. Sakurazuka?
[ Caelus is far from a perfect being. While he has a strong will and is brave, he has his own insecurities hidden within his heart. Seishirou must also acknowledge his own set of weaknesses, even if he doesn't show any of them.
This man must be aware that Subaru loves him, and yet he just insulted Subaru's taste in men. ]
Hehe… besides, together, we can make each other better. How about teaching him how to cook? Cooking together sounds fun, don't you think? And he's been teaching me some English and Japanese, you know. I can hardly talk about someone's lack of education…
no subject
In the end, with a sudden lack of finesse — he wrenches his fingers back, gaze owlish and dark as he wriggles them to restore his bloodline's circuitry. Now, now. They can't get too ahead of themselves in this convoluted business of abrupt intimacy.
This, after all, is more Sumeragi Subaru's fare, and he's not that creature. Not a man anyone but green eyes would grieve. )
I don't appreciate this. ( The meddling. The persistence. The abrupt and sudden monopoly Caelus the trailblazer is exerting on his private life. ) The notice, yes. But not the... advocacy? The persuasion? Whatever this is. Whatever you want it to be. I don't appreciate it.
no subject
So, he still smiles regardless. ]
You don't have to appreciate it.
[ It's enough that it was said, and… hopefully considered, even for the smallest second. Just like how Seishirou extended his hand to him, even for… just the smallest second. Once the man starts closing himself again, Caelus knows he can't force it further than he already has. So he slowly stands up from his seat and gives one last soft smile.
I just don't want you to regret anything, if you continue to turn away.
Words left unsaid. ]
But I also… really did wish to see you again. [ To see the man with his own eyes, and witness that he is all right. ] I'll visit again soon.
[ With a polite bow of his head, Caelus then dismisses himself as he allows Seishirou the time to breathe and reflect. ]
no subject
An elegant answer to an inelegant dismissal. The closest to an outburst Seishirou would have permitted himself, at the peak of pseudo-maturity. In his mouth, the aftertaste of stale tobacco, held too long. He wasted a cigarette, the experience, the moment. Wasted sixteen long years on Sumeragi Subaru and this syrupy, careless play.
His head bleats its aches. His fingers drum the bench's rim. Caelus, some despicable form of airy plague's herald, here and gone — disperses.
He opens his mouth to bid him to stop. Doesn't. Waits and waits and waits until the young man's silhouette is a smear, a distant trickle, a dot gone — and blinks, once more wrenched from bone-gripping inertia, when pain screams through his hand's bones, burning.
Crinkling, crackling tears and shards and shatters, where he's punched through the clinic's bench-side window. Blood, red wet, dripping down.
Strange.
This entire day, strange. )